Of course not sweetheart. How many battered women want to admit to the world that the man who is supposed to have your back actually has so little regard for you that he not only hits you but does so in public? Very few my dea, so I absolutely get where you are coming from.
That said, marriage is what it is. No outsider ever has the full details of what is going on behind closed doors.
I say we should leave Nigella be. Everybody has a threshold for the amount of nonsense they can endure. She obviously has not reached hers but when she does she probably will require no urging to do what she needs to do to live happy and safe.
The babe is afterall, worth an estimated 20 million pounds, not nearly as much as hubby’s 80 million but not bad at all.
- Nigella Lawson would never have left the £14 million family home if images of her husband grabbing her by the throat had not emerged
- Most of Nigella’s family, especially her father Nigel and sister Horatia, are said to be furious that Saatchi has created this hugely embarrassing storm
- The 53-year-old chef has fled to a £10,000-a-week Mayfair apartment where she is struggling to consider whether she has a future with Saatchi
The 53-year-old chef has confided that although she has no current plans to return home she is still in love with her husband.
As she faces a second week away from Mr Saatchi, 70, friends have said she wants him to undergo anger management therapy or counselling to control his volatile moods.
A friend said that while Nigella has not consulted divorce lawyers she feels desperately exposed by the public scrutiny and frustrated that the whole world has on opinion on her situation
In the first insight into the anguish that Nigella is suffering, a close friend said: ‘She desperately loves Charles and says he is her world.
‘She feels that if he would look at getting some sort of help, anger management or therapy then they can work at rebuilding their relationship. As in any marriage, there are issues and problems that arise, and he is under a huge amount of pressure and stress. But she feels she is never going to be able to live this down and move on.’
The Mail on Sunday has been told that Nigella would never have left the £14 million family home if images of her husband grabbing her by the throat outside celebrity restaurant Scott’s had not been published.
The friend said: ‘Nigella feels her hand has been forced.
‘She would not have left if the incident had stayed private.’
She has fled to a £10,000-a-week Mayfair apartment where she is struggling to consider the best way forward for herself and her two teenage children, and decide whether the couple has a future.
The friend added that while Nigella has not consulted divorce lawyers she feels desperately exposed by the public scrutiny. They added: ‘Nigella feels frustrated that the whole world has an opinion about something she feels is a private situation.’
Saatchi accepted a police caution for assault following the publication of the damning pictures last Sunday, which he initially tried to dismiss as ‘a playful tiff’. But the incident sparked an outcry.
It was raised in the House of Lords on Friday, as Nigella’s father Lord Lawson looked on, when Lord Avebury asked: ‘Do you think that the leniency shown to Mr Saatchi when he half-strangled his wife set the wrong tone?’
But as the public debate rages, Nigella is craving privacy and quiet, and is tormented over how to proceed. Friends say the removal of her wedding ring last week was merely a sign of her confusion as she struggles to cope under the nationwide scrutiny of her most private relationship.
Most of Nigella’s family, especially her father Nigel and sister Horatia, are said to be furious that Saatchi has created this hugely embarrassing storm. Publicly they have refused to comment, but privately they are believed to have urged her not to return to him.
Her brother Dominic, former editor of The Spectator, does not wish to comment. But author Kathy Lette, who is close to the couple, was outspoken. ‘I’m not talking to Charles,’ she said. ‘He’s behaved appallingly. I can’t believe that after so many years in the public relations business he’s handled this so badly.’
Divorce lawyer Vanessa Platt, who has represented many women who want to leave abusive relationships, was surprisingly supportive of Nigella’s private desire to save her marriage. She said: ‘When a high-profile woman is in a situation with a controlling husband, people usually wonder why she won’t leave him.
‘But pressure from family and the press can be very overwhelming and doesn’t always help the situation. It can make it difficult for them to make a decision. I always recommend that the couple go for counselling.’
Platt suggests that Saatchi may have a narcissistic personality. ‘If it is the case he has anger issues, then he must see a specialist to get help. Nigella is right to insist that is a requirement for the marriage to continue.’
Baroness Fiona Shackleton, who represented Prince Charles in his 1996 divorce from Diana and Sir Paul McCartney in his 2008 divorce from Heather Mills, is a relative of Nigella’s and someone she might turn to for advice should divorce become unavoidable.
The couple are not believed to have signed a prenuptial agreement.
Saatchi’s former wife, American Kay Saatchi, the mother of their 19-year-old daughter Phoebe, has previously said he was an ‘appalling bully’ but last week issued a statement saying: ‘While Charles has always had his faults, I never experienced him to be physically abusive.
‘He may be hard work, but I feel he is being treated unfairly.’
Brian Basham, a former business associate, said Saatchi had gone from a sweet and humble genius to becoming a ‘monster’ and a ‘deeply unpleasant man’. They fell out over a business deal in the late 1990s.
‘He was the most brilliant advertising man,’ he said. ‘Back then he was warm and nice, but it is almost as if the more successful he became, the meaner be got.
‘I sometimes wonder what went wrong and whether some personal disappointment turned him into the man he became.’
Nigella, it seemed, was one of the few people able to charm him back to good humour. Yet in spite of her high-voltage radiance, she is a woman who admits she is driven by a desperate desire to please. ‘I am so pathetic I even crave the approval of my toothbrush,’ she once said.
The daughter of former Conservative Chancellor Nigel Lawson and Vanessa Salmon, a socialite and heiress to the Lyons Corner House empire, Nigella has admitted that she was often beaten by her bipolar mother.
Her friendship with Charles Saatchi began before the 2001 death of her husband, journalist John Diamond, to whom she had been married for ten years.
That year she moved in to Saatchi’s Belgravia mansion with her children Cosima, now 19, and Bruno, now 17. She was already a household name following the publication of her first cookery book, How To Eat, in 1998. She was named author of the year for her 2000 follow-up, How To Be A Domestic Goddess.
Her television cooking shows made her a star.
Although Diamond saw her full potential – supervising her ‘makeover’ and persuading her to wear more glamorous clothes and make-up – it was Saatchi who saw her become a superstar.
According to friends, none of whom wanted to be named, Saatchi made himself indispensable to Nigella when her husband was dying. ‘He saw her as Mother Theresa, struggling to cope with two small children, and he rode in like Sir Galahad to rescue the situation.’
He met her at a private dinner and was immediately totally captivated. But as her career flourished he apparently became less comfortable. ‘Charles prides himself on being the lone wolf, the enabler,’ said a friend who knows the couple well. ‘He grew frustrated as he had less and less control over her.’
Another friend said: ‘It appears Nigella has had to put up with a shedload more at home than she will ever let on. She has to be capable for her children. She wants to be remembered as a nurturer, not some weak, needy woman.’
The current debacle has added strain to a relationship that has been rumoured to be in trouble for some time. But it is not only the personal humiliation that is said to be worrying Nigella.
Her new success in America, where she found fame with the television reality show The Taste last January, could now be vulnerable.
A spokesman for Nigella refused to comment last night.
Deeply damaged couple locked into the warped logic of abuse
By OLIVER JAMES
Why would a noted beauty with an even more robust intellect stay in a marriage that threatens to suffocate her?
Nigella Lawson’s sensuality has helped make her an international culinary TV star, and she has adroitly netted millions from her cookery books. But the alumna of Oxford University is very far from being an intellectual lightweight.
Equally, her husband Charles Saatchi is a long way from the stereotype of a wife beater.
But neither cleverness nor success have anything to do with the sort of person who engages in spousal abuse. The answer lies in the vicious cycle of co-dependency that can evolve from the partnership – and past experiences – of two emotionally damaged people.
Nigella’s vulnerability could be attributed to the devastating losses from cancer in her family: her mother, Vanessa, died when Nigella was 25, her sister, Thomasina, eight years later.
Nigella has made it clear that these tragedies left her cautious of expecting too much from love, or indeed from life.
But the real reason a woman stays with an abusive partner is because they are insecure.
Nigella’s vulnerability preceded these deaths – and also the death of her first husband, journalist John Diamond, who died of throat cancer.
She would appear to be clingy, perhaps as a result of a childhood in which she felt abandoned, either physically or emotionally, by her mother. Fragile children become easy targets for bullies and as adults, if they form an attachment, they are likely to fear that the person they adore will leave.
In person, Nigella appears something of an ice maiden – very unlike the Domestic Goddess persona she has cultivated. When I met her in her early 20s, she was a cold fish, yet with an air of fragility.
I have encountered this personality type many times among high achievers of both sexes: their professional demeanour may be powerful, but at home they are passive.
Charles Saatchi, on the other hand, appears to fit the category of the avoidant bully; a person who fears rejection rather than abandonment – perhaps because they felt unloved by a mother who kept them at arms’ length with irritability or aggression.
The child deals with the growing expectation of being spurned by getting their rejection in first.
The odd twist to the background of most abusers – and one that appears to defy logic – is that they will inflict violence on a partner in a warped attempt to keep them. Afterwards, the offender will be so pitifully remorseful, the partner feels empowered and confers forgiveness.
For a time the power balance is reversed, but inevitably the cycle will start again.
Some 25 per cent of wives (and eight per cent of husbands) are in abusive relationships, though these are not always physically violent.
There is, too, the syndrome of ‘intimate terrorism’, where the need to exert total control over one’s partner (usually by the man) results in a pathological jealousy or hypercriticism of the woman’s every utterance or deed. He may also monitor her relationships to the point of obsession.
We are told by friends that Nigella and Charles have always had a ‘volatile’ relationship.
They seem to equate this with passion.
But it is clear to me that they are gripped by deeply and damaging behavioural patterns, developed in their youth, over which they now have no control.
The sad truth is that too many couples are in relationships like this: locked in an unresolvable cycle of co-dependency and abuse till death do them part.
Culled from nydailynews.com